


Night After Night

by Truthwritaslies



Category: Supernatural
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-09-21
Updated: 2012-09-21
Packaged: 2017-11-14 17:19:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 930
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/517658
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Truthwritaslies/pseuds/Truthwritaslies
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Night time brings out all the things Dean hides from himself during the day.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Night After Night

**Author's Note:**

> Lyrics from Night After Night by The Rasmus. All rights to it belong to The Rasmus and their record company. The characters herein belong to Eric Kripke and The CW network. I'm only using them for fun not profit.

_Like an angel you came / Everytime when I prayed_

 

Maybe Dean shouldn't rely so much on Cas. Maybe it would be better to cut all ties, to send the angel back to heaven. To say "Thanks for everything, man. Time to sort out my life and maybe settle down, yeah?" 

But Dean can't.

It's a rush to be able to claim the personal attention of an angel. To be able to have Cas by his side with just a whisper or a thought. To have Cas think he's worth saving. 

**(The image lingers in Dean's mind even after all these years.**

**Fathomless, wide, blue eyes filled with incomprehension and conviction. A rough voice made quiet by confused wonder.**

**"You don't believe you deserve to be saved.")**

 

_Guardian of my dreams / Watching me when I sleep_

 

Dean doesn't like to think about why it's such a thrill when he turns around to find Cas standing too close, staring at Dean like he holds the key to the mysteries of the universe. 

Dean doesn't like to think about nightmares that abruptly shift to pleasant nothingness or memories of happier times. He doesn't like to think of dreamless nights followed by mornings of waking up to Cas sitting awkwardly in a chair by the window just watching Dean sleep. 

He pretends not to notice that Cas droops a little when Dean fails to thank him for the full night's rest.

 

_Like an angel you came / Everytime when I screamed_

 

There are times when he hates what he was chosen for. Hates the wayy it twisted Sammy and Cas into unrecognizable people.

Dean hates the nights that he feels the need to fight or fuck or drink or any combination just to feel alive. He hates it even more when Cas stops him, with a hand on his shoulder or just a look. 

Because then Dean can't control anything that he says, except the one thing he's desperately ignoring, screaming at Cas about his rotten fate and how much he hates having to always be the one who sacrafices to save the world. Dean knows he hurts Cas; can see it in the way Cas's shoulders twitch and hunch like those giant wings are curling around to protect him from an attack. 

 

_Time after time I lose again / Night after night I wake up shaking 'cause my world is breaking_

 

Cas is there, too late to help Sammy. Too late for anything except gathering Dean into a hug made awkward by Dean trying to fight his way free before he has to acknowledge the two facts that he doesn't want to. 

Sam's dead again and this time he isn't coming back. The demons wont deal and Heaven wont give him back. 

It's a losing battle and finally, exhausted, he turns to hide his tears in Cas's shoulder. Dean doesn't know how long they sit like that but at some point he falls asleep. He wakes up tucked into bed, Cas's coat folded up and tucked under his head like a pillow. 

There is a hand stroking his hair. 

"Sleep, Dean." 

There isn't even a hint of power behind the words; they're just a suggestion. For a moment Dean considers ignoring them, getting up and moving on to the next hunt: the next round of death and destroyed families. But the memories of Sammy laying eviscerated and quiet creep up on Dean and he flees into the only escape he knows is certain. 

His sleep is always dreamless when Cas is there. 

 

_I'm fool enough to fall again / Night after night I wake up crying 'cause I feel like dying_

 

Dean's desperately in love with the one being in the universe he knows is too good for him but when Cas offers himself as a balm to Dean's soul he can't turn Cas away. 

That doesn't mean he doesn't sit up late wondering when it's all going to fall apart. When Cas is going to be killed or decide that Dean isn't worth saving. Dean knows he isn't regardless of Cas's misplaced faith. 

So Dean fights on: hoping to one day be worthy of the way Cas looks at him when he's irritated at Dean but there's some affection hidden in there too. When Dean thinks he can almost hear Cas saying "my obnoxious mud monkey" with his eyes. 

There are nights when he asks Cas to stay away, to let the nightmares come because he needs them. Cas doesn't understand but he leaves. He never stays away though, always flying to Dean's side the moment the dreams cause him to cry out. 

Dean never quite wakes up as he clutches at Cas, leaving salt stains along the collar of Cas's coat where his tears fall. 

Castiel doesn't look at Dean's dreams anymore; it hurts too much. 

It feels like failure when Castiel sees his dream self telling Dean that Castiel made a mistake, that Dean isn't worth saving. That Dean isn't worth loving. It feels like failure when everyone Dean couldn't save comes to tell him how much they hate him for not being the perfect hunter and how Dean's father says he should have just left Dean with Bobby. How he should have taken Sammy, who turned out to be the better hunter in the end, and left Dean behind because he was never anything but a disappointment. 

Sometimes Castiel wonders if there is enough love in his entire being to show Dean how wrong those dreams are. To show Dean how perfect Castiel believes Dean to be even with all his flaws.


End file.
